


I Can't Go

by exocb614



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-18 17:16:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16999233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exocb614/pseuds/exocb614
Summary: A battle where you fight yourself before surrendering your life to someone else.





	I Can't Go

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for our anthology project. I wanted to write a fic for once because it has been 4 years since I stopped writing. And now, here it is. I hope you enjoy it though. 
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: The title is from the song "I Can't Go" by Ben. It's one of the OST in Beauty Inside

Even if I endure through a day like today  
Each day keeps repeating  
Foolish things keep repeating  
So I’m standing in a corner by myself  
Thinking maybe tomorrow will be different

I can’t take a single step

\- I Can't Go, 2016

 

Whenever the wind blows through my face, I think of everything -- everything that was fading. I imagine what my life would be if I chose those things I did not. Where would I be now? Would I be happier? Would my life be like the blue sky where people want to gaze at? 

While fixating to the running trees and walking firmament outside the window, I feel something similar to the sky that is reflecting in my eyes. Its color is like a cement -- wet or dry. The sky is hovering the world with its sadness. Strangely, I like this kind of weather. It's as if the world is painted with aesthetic and vintage-like filters. I like the feeling of it. And peculiarly, I don't like blue skies and cloudy days that much. It's as if it's mocking me how empty my life is.

Walking towards home never felt so heavy. Maybe because I've been holding it for years now. The first time after the twist was very hard. It was unbearable. I kept it all inside not wanting to hurt someone. Because I promised. And that time, I think I should man up and do what I wanted to do. I was so confident. Too confident that I lose control of it and felt so lost. 

With a little fence, I see the beautiful garden complementing our humble home. Few flowers blooming that I don't even know its names. Moist are still evident in its petals. I may not be fond of them, but I wish they would grow up well. I wish the one taking care of you will see how beautiful you bloomed. I don't even pay attention that much, but I got to see this side of you. How unfair that must be.

Today was hard. It's always hard. I wonder what awaits for me as I turn the knob on our door.

A wight with pale complexion and delicate features is here, sitting in the living room while sipping his favorite hot choco drink. His ebony hair is fluffy and soft even just by watching them. Imagining him close to me, he would smell strawberry-flavored shampoo. His ears are huge, but not as huge as mine. His eyes -- that eyes that were always cheerful and loud; but now, it doesn't make my favorite crescents anymore. His nose -- his button nose. And his lips. The lips that would turn upwards with just little things. But now, it just stays where it belong. Just a straight line. Just what it was supposed to be. And thinking about it, it's been a while since I touched those lips with mine. I blamed my life so much but I lacked in so many ways. His face that was more prettier when he's happy is now just pretty. Where did my promise went? I was so confident that I will make him happy for the rest of my life… but what happened?

“Chanyeol?”

He must have felt I'm here. “I'm home.” I put down my bags in the couch and help myself with a glass of water on the table just three steps behind the sofa.

“What do you want for dinner?” He puts the mug down on the center table and starts placing his hands in the sides of the sofa, and in the corners of the center table, in the walls he passes by, and in the air, walking towards the refrigerator just accross where I stand.

“Shall we eat outside tonight?” It's been a while since we eat outside. Mainly because he suddenly told me he don't like going outside anymore; and partly because of my busy work. For now, I just want him to rest. But he would always insist doing all the work in the house. I feel sorry but if I tell him, he would be really angry at me.

He stopped what he was doing and contemplated whether to agree to it or not. He finally takes a breath and makes a decision. “How about we order jajangmyeon?” I guess he don't want everyone to see him. I feel like he started to feel conscious being outside, where everyone sees his situation. 

“I'll order. You want the usual? With a lot of radish?” I hope he still keeps his favorites.

As he hums, I dialed the number and place our orders.

He closes the refrigerator and starts finding his way to me. I watches him takes a careful step forward and watches his hands that seems dancing softly in the air. I lend my hand, and he holds it. He traces his right hand in my arms and to my neck and to my cheeks. With his left hand, he holds my hand. He didn't look me in the eyes, but it felt like he did. He then cups my face with both of his hands. He stares for five seconds and smiles.

“I missed you.”

I can only imagine how desperate he must have been to see me. The last time I saw him was just this morning. He must have had deep thoughts while I was away for work.

I put down both his hands and wrapped my arms around his little frame. I rest my chin on the top of his head and felt his hands on my back. 

What I really miss the most was his self a year ago. The cheerful and free Baekhyun. The Baekhyun that does not care what people says to him. That if they talked badly because of what we have, he would instead flaunts to them how happy he was with me. It takes years to have our parents agree to our relationship. In this society, people are still starting to accept us. There are those who openly accepts that the world is changing -- our friends; and those who refused to do so. It was hard, but we have been together for five years. The time we agreed to date, was the time we told our parents about us. After two years of persuading, they finally see how sincere and serious we are with this. It was hard and awkward at first, but Baekhyun was persistent that they eventually got used to it. My parents didn't even accept right away who I was when I told them what I really am, but they seem to love Baekhyun more than me that when we told them we're getting married, they were so elated and even initiated to prepare the wedding for us. In this country, there's no such thing as that for us; and so we fled to Australia to get married. But the occassion that was supposed to be our happy ending became a tragic one. 

There are a lot of things I have been thinking lately. One day, I suddenly just felt so empty and lost. My mind is like running in circles -- breathing heavily, sweating profusely -- that seemed to not end. The routine is making me crazy. Waking up early, eating breakfast, going to work, eating lunch, going to work, eating dinner, and going to sleep. My life is like my favorite cement-colored sky. It’s dull. 

At first, it was okay. There were a lot of rainbows of hope and future shining brightly like the sun. It was all positiveness -- brimming with confidence that we can surpassed this chapter in our life. It was hard -- even at first -- I just didn't know it was. At that time, it was only Baekhyun whom I cared for. I didn't even realized I neglected myself that's why it comes to this point -- to the point where our rainbows and sun are gradually fading. 

Whenever he would make mistakes, I would encouraged him that it was okay. That he did his best. But now, whenever he tries to cook and everything is burnt or when he tries to wash the dishes and a plate or two broke, or when he insists to wash my clothes and he puts white and colored together that's why few of my white clothes are ready to be thrown; and just whenever he makes mistakes, I tried hard to supress my anger as much as I could so he wouldn't feel it. I really don't get why he would do things he can't do. I understand that he want to do things he normally does, but he can't right now. He can't! I sometimes wished he would just stay still and do nothing. There wouldn't be problem if he would. 

There are instances that he would slip. Sometimes, I would think he's really cute. But when he does it these days, I feel pity -- I feel sorry. Is it okay to feel sorry? I've been seeing him like this for a year, but why does it feel like everytime he's like this, I feel so sorry. 

I am ashamed of myself for thinking these things in my mind. I should've been always there to encourage him that it will be alright. But whenever I think about that, a constant thought would cross my mind.

Can I really live like this for my whole life? 

I know how shameless I must sound like now. How shameless of me to think about leaving him. I was so confident that I will be there with him and that I will make him happy for the rest of my life. But now... what happened?

Is this pity? Is this guilt? Is this love?

Do I love him?

I do...but...

“I think it's time to let you go.” 

Did I just heard it wrong?

I was out from my thoughts when I heard him speak after we ate our last spoon of food.

“W-what?” I’ve always known that he can see through me, but I can't still believe how he can always read my mind clearly.

“It was no one's fault. It wasn't the drunk driver's, it wasn't the bad weather's, it wasn't my fault, and especially it wasn't yours. You needed me and so I went to you. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was just… that I was meant to be in this situation. Nothing else.”

His eyes are blinking for a few times. His voice choked up. I knew how hard he stopped himself from crying. I can't even do a thing but to coo his name. 

“I think you've done well. You've endured it well. ‘Cause if I were you, I think I can’t do it. But you stayed for a year. And I really thank you for that.”

“Baek...”

“I am just really thankful that you’ve stayed with me this long. I really didn't expect you would. I mean like… you're someone who has a lot of dreams and with my situation, it would be hard for you to achieve those. I can't even help you.”

Fake. His smile it is.

“When I heard about it, I was devastated and you witnessed all that. Knowing my situation, I've been thinking a lot. The future... and everything. I wasn't that worried with mine, but I was with yours.”

Sometimes, I really hate that he's nice. He's too nice.

 

“Honestly… I already expected that someday you would leave me. I expected like after three months from the accident, you would. But you didn't and I was really thankful. I have been saying how thankful I was, because I really am. And I don't think I have the right to hold onto you anymore.”

I can feel my lips quivering. My throat feels like someone is pushing it. My eyes blink for a few times and I would clenched my jaw and gulp. And that I knew any second, hot liquid would slip from my eyes. I pursed my lips not letting any sob let out of me. I covered my mouth with my hand hoping he won't hear me. 

But he can feel it. I know he can. He can't see but he knows.

“Think about it, Yeol. You can't have a future with me. Think about it and let me know.” He stands up with his hands tracing the corners of the table and the wall and the door to his room --- that was once our's. We sleep on the same room, on the same bed, but that's it. The fireworks of different colors within us, seemed to find it's way end. It's slowly fading. 

How lonely he must have been. How lonely I must have been. We’re together, but it didn't seem like that. Does he really wanted me to go? Or does he really just want me to be free? Free from him. Free from this same situation for a year. 

Nothing changes from his routine. He would smile at me when I woke up and when I go home. He would hold my cheeks and smiled at me telling me to take care. It's been like that for a week and it’s suffocating me. His look whenever he smiles at me keeps wrapping my neck and pushing it until I couldn't let out a breath. And so I told him. I decided to leave. 

“Can I go?” 

He was surprised by it. He can't imagine me saying that when he's watering his plants. He stopped for a bit realizing what he just heard. He resumes and just nod, not even looking at least where I stand.

“Is that your answer?” 

I hummed.

“When?”

“Today.” 

He stops and heaves a sigh. “Okay.” And continues on watering his plants.

I guess he doesn’t want to say goodbye. I look at him for a few seconds and walk away. 

I hope he'll do fine.

○○○

When one broke up, it means no more communication between the two of you. At least for a month or two. But Baekyun is different. I know he has unpredictable personality but it was just three days, and a very familiar number called me one night.

“Hello?”

“Come to our house right now.” 

And just like that, he hung up. He doesn't sound anything weird, but more like inviting me. It arouses my curiosity and so I go.

“You drink.” There's two bottles of beer sitting on the table and an empty one in his hand.

“I'm still sober. Don't worry.” 

“Why did you want me to be here? I thought we broke up.”

“Yeah, we did. But I just wanted to have a drink and I don't have someone to drink with and...”

“And you called me?” He nods his head a little bit bigger than a normal people would do. 

“I kind of...regretted what I said before.”

“Like what?”

“Like I want you to leave me?”

What does that even mean?

“I have a proposal for you. Have a seat first.” Now, this is kind of confusing. 

“I don't really get what you're saying.”

He gulp down his beer and carefully picked his choice of words. “I've been thinking about it for three days.” He pauses for a moment. “How about we still live together but as roommates? Like before, Chanyeol.” He looks so hopeful but this is not what I want.

“We broke up, Baekhyun. We agreed to part ways--”

“But that's only you!” I can see him calming himself after making his voice louder. “It's just roommate, Chanyeol. We don't need to do couple things but just as a roommate.”

“But we've been doing that for a year already, Baekhyun.” He looks flustered. Was I too harsh?

“So I guess you were staying with me because you feel pity?”

Did I? 

“It must have been frustrating for you to live together with me pretending you still love me when in fact, you just feel sorry for me.”

Is he right?

“Why are you not answering me, Chanyeol? It's because you pity me, that's why you decided to leave.”

“This! This relationship is the reason. This relationship is not healthy anymore! It can kill us both--”

“No, Chanyeol! It can only kill me. You can find yourself better than me but I will live for the rest of my life alone!

“It would kill me too, Baekhyun. It's killing me bits by bits everytime I see you feeling hopeless just because of your situation. You make me feel useless. You make me feel like I'm not doing good enough as your boyfriend.”

“You know I'm trying, Chanyeol. I tried hard to accept that I will be like this for my whole life. Do you even know how hard it is to walk not even knowing where to start? I will always be in darkness, Chanyeol and you will never understand!”

“I do! And knowing how hard it must have been for you, I wanted it to stop. That's why I'm leaving.”

“Really?” He scoffs, “Are you kidding me?”

“When I'm there, you would always feel how useless you are. You would always feel sorry for me because you can't give me what I want. You'll feel sorry and you'll keep thinking about it every night and cry. You may not know it, but I always hear you cry every night that's why I don't sleep beside you. You've always wanted to cry alone.”

“But leaving me would make it worse. I don't know what to do if you'll leave me like that.”

“But you said you're expecting me to leave.”

“I do! I do. And it's tormenting me everytime I think of that! It’s so unfair, Chanyeol. It’ so unfair. Just because I can't see. Just because I'm blind.”

“You know it's not like that.” 

“No, Chanyeol! It's because I'm disable. I lacked in so many things. I can’t even cook you proper meal because I can't see. We can’t even go to dates because I’m afraid it would be embarrassing for you to be together with a blind man. Much more a gay blind man! People would gossip why a fine young man like you, can't leave someone as useless as me! And what’s worst, is that I've always missed you. I always wanted to look at your face but all I see is black and I can't even see you. I wanted to see you!” 

My feet take its step towards him. My arms take its way around his torso. My hands take its land on his head, patting it softly. His shoulders dancing up and down. His tears sliding on his ruddy cheeks. This tormenting scene is somewhat beautiful. But this, has to be end. “Let's give time for each other, Baek. I want you to find yourself and be the you before. You lose your confidence. You were cheerful and loud. You were a free-spirited person. I like that about you, but now it's gone. And I'm not the one who can find that for you. Only you can.”

He suddenly wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face on my shoulders. He doesn't talk. He just close his eyes and feel the warmth he found in me. He doesn't speak for a few minutes and that I know, he fell asleep. I carry him to his bed and lay next to him. He wiggled for a bit and wrapped his arms around me. This is kind of sad. For the first time, I feel something that I can only feel back then. I feel happy.

○○○

I haven't received any news from him ever since that night. I was promoted in my work and became so busy that what happened didn't cross my mind that often. His parents called me once and it turns out they already knew we broke up. They called me to say they understand. On the other hand, my parents scolded me for that. My mom doesn't call me these days. She doesn't even look at me whenever I go home. She was so angry when she heard the news. With her loud voice, she scolded me for leaving Baekhyun alone. But father says it's alright. I don't know what comes into him when he said that this is just a phase, and eventually we would be together again. But I can't guarantee that. For now, it's vague.

“Someone wants to see you.” One of my co-workers said. “She said you're her bestfriend before. She's in the café acrross our building.” 

I don't recall having a female bestfriend. But I guess this is just one of Sehun's tactics to let me get into this blind date thing he planned for me. It's been a year and he wants me to settle down soon. I don't even know why my bestfriend would want me to marry strangers. But I guess couples are strangers at first. 

I really don't want to go because there's a loads of work to do, but Sehun’s persistent and insists that this will be the last time and so I agreed just to make him stop. 

The café resonates elegant yet comfortable ambience. The smell of coffee beans and sweet desserts gives off the feeling of satisfaction that makes me think I did a good choice to be here. This place is just near the building where I work, but I guess this place is new, or maybe I was just too busy to even notice it exists.

After it chimes by the door, I took out my phone to recall where she would be. She mentioned wearing a plain white shirt combined with a denim skirt underneath her russet coat. I scanned the place and find her picking a cane from the floor and giving it to the person in the next table. The person looks so familiar. The way he dresses, with his eyeglasses on, and his cane beside him. This definitely looks like Baekhyun when he's sipping his favorite choco and is sitting in the next table alone.

Out of all places, why here? I haven't seen him for over a year and knowing that maybe he's always here? Not that I wanted to see him, but still. This place is just near where I work. How busy must I have been to not even have spare time to go to cafés and relax? I would've seen him here. 

 

But this situation is kind of awkward. I don't know why but I mean we're over and I guess we end on a good note, but why does my pulse raced everytime I take a step towards him? He's not even the person whom I'm intended to meet. That moment I knew I need to calm myself. I sluggishly walk towards my supposedly date, not even looking at the other table. It's alright, Chanyeol. He won't even know it's you.

“Chanyeol?”

Oh, no!

 

“Park Chanyeol, right?”

I don't even have the time to answer because all I can see is how the person next table shifts his attention to the woman beside him who calls a familiar name.

“Are you Chanyeol?”

There's really no need to call my name three times and so I nod.

 

“Ah, yes. It's me. You are?”

“Kim Baekhee.”

“Nice to meet you, Baekhee.” I extended my hands waiting for her's.

“Nice to meet you, too.” ...and we shake hands. “Have a seat, Chanyeol.”

In my peripheral vision, I can see Baekhyun looking confused. 

I didn't really pay atttention to what she was saying. I was so conscious of how Baekhyun would take those. But he was just enjoying his coffee as if he's the only one here. There's really no need to be nervous about. We're over. We're just two strangers having our happy time in one café.

A sudden ringtone puts off the tension a little bit. Someone called the woman in front of me and so she excused herself. And so the tension is accelerating, not even planning on stepping the brake. 

 

It was just him and me. Together with a noise of silence.

I tapped my feet ceaselessly. My fingers are like it’s playing consecutive keys in a piano. My temples started sweating profusely. I can feel it. My organs are having a war inside and I'm wearing a calm face outside. This feeling is I don't know. This reminds me of the time when we first met. It was a blind date too. But the difference was, it was not really him who was set up for me. It was another girl -- his friend who already has a boyfriend but was set up by his friends. His intention was to only tell me that my blind date didn't show up. But that time, I was so pure and fool. I know I have a thing for guys but it became so sure when I saw him. That time, I'm sure I have to pursue him. 

 

“Chanyeol…” His soft voice...

“I'm glad you're doing fine.” A small thud exerts from the meeting of mug and the table. “It's been a while. Glad I meet you here.”

And he stands up, looking for his cane. My feet just unconsciously walk towards him and handed him his cane. It has really been a while. His hands are still soft as it was before.

“Do you want me to walk you out of the place?” He simpers. “Sorry, I didn't mean any --”

“I know. You just want to help. But no need. I already memorize this place. I can be fine on my own.” And he was right. I knew he will be fine. It's the Baekhyun I know of. 

But... why does it feel so strange? 

That strange feeling is bothering me that I can't focus on the woman walking towards my seat. 

“I'm sorry. I really have to go.” 

Why am I always so lucky?

“I'm really sorry. I'll pay the bill instead.”

“No need. I will. You can go.” And she sprints to wherever she needs to go. 

○○○

From that point in time, I become curious about Baekhyun. I don't know why but I was fine for a year, why now? Is it because I saw him? It's true that this is the first time I saw him after that night. But does that even make sense? I need to know these inexplicable feelings I am having right now.

For the next days, whenever I don't have that much work, I would find Baekhyun sitting in the café where we recently met and secretly follows him. The GPS I installed in Baekhyun's phone before, is still there and I'm glad he didn't delete it. That way, I can easily find him wherever he goes.

When he walks home, I would take creeping yet silent steps so that he won't notice I'm following him. He would feel it sometimes whenever he stopped on his tracks. But I also do the same and so he would never realized. I would walk him until our… his house. The flowers bloomed really well and they were so pretty. The house was still the same. I suppose he memorized even the smallest details in it. Seeing just his back, he looks like a normal person sauntering. By the doorstep, the sound of closing door would be my signal to go home. 

It continues for a week. And by the time it reached a month, Baekhyun's mom accidentally saw me following behind Baekhyun. He calls my attention and that I knew I was busted. I can't even look at her in the eye. My hands are tied in front while my head is lowered down. I feel so sorry but at the same time, embarrassed.

“Let's sit on that bench first.” 

I relaxed for a bit as we sit. She is not looking at me but at the sky. 

“You must not like cloudy skies that much.”

“A...little bit.” I simper.

“Baekhyun told me that once. You're upright yet gentle. He once saw you gazing at the dull sky. The way you look at it, feels like how you look at him. That time he realized you must be someone who needs colors. And so he told me one day he wanted to paint your sky. It was not easy for him. He ran out of colors.”

“I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.” Ever since we broke up, this is the first time his mother talks to me like this. The last time was on phone only and it was just a quick call. His mother are always fond of literature that's why her words always sounds like a poetry. This is also the reason why we became close. We both love beautiful words.

“You must have wanted to lend him some. That's why you're trailing him.”

There's really no need to lie. A mother always sees through one's soul. “I was just curious.”

She hums as if she agreed to what I said. She was silent for a minute and just stare above. I do the same. “Was it hard?”

I stammered.

“It must have been hard for you that you made up to that decision. Baekhyun admitted he was at fault too. It was hard for him at first, but he eventually got to find a reason to live alone.”

I don't really know what to response.

“Baekhyun told me he didn't agree to the break up. And said it was just you feeling that way.” She chuckles. “That guy really. He got my attitude that hard.”

“I really don't get what you mean.” I titters.

“He was just giving you the time you needed. He must not expect you to use your time longer than he wanted.” She chortled. “I need to go.”

“But--”

“Goodbye, Chanyeol.” She waves at me, until she's out from my view.

I haven't had the time to think about it; because the time I ask myself and analyze what she meant, my co-workers are calling me non-stop informing me for an emergency. 

Loads of papers are piled up for me to review and to be approved to the higher-ups. Numerous meetings filled up my timetable for a week that I can only sleep for a few hours. It's been hard to interject some spare time just to see Baekhyun sipping his favorite hot choco and walk him home.

But the busy days last too. It ended earlier than I expected. The sun is setting soon. I thought Baekhyun would be home by now, but that little hope I have that he's still in the café, takes me to that place and I was one lucky guy. I can't even imagine the grin drawn on my face. Outside the place, I saw him sauntering towards where I stand. The chimes of the door startles me but I was quick to cover my mouth. He turns to the left making me see only his back. I trail him, taking a little step, one at a time. The café is just near Baekhyun's house that's why he must have always go there. On our way to his house, I was just looking at his back and the invisible trace of his footsteps. Too fixated on those, I didn't notice we’re already in front of our destination with beautiful garden welcoming us. Suddenly, his pace came to a halt. I was surprised.

“Chanyeol…” His soft voice...

Oh? “How…”

“I… “ He turn around. “actually… know it from the start.” For the first time after the day we parted, I saw him smiling -- he titters. “I really don't go outside that much; but because I know you'll be there, I try to feel the sun too. It was actually my first time going outside the house the day when I met you inside the café with a woman.”

“It's not what you think. Sehun was just --”

“I know. No need to explain though. I was hopeful that I'll meet you there again that's why I came back and then you suddenly followed me. I may not see, but the way I feel things is strong. Your strides are too noticeable.”

How foolish of me to underestimate his capabilities. It makes me look stupid. 

“Don't you have work today? These days you've been busy. I guess it's done?”

How come he knows a lot of things?

“Will you still continue following me? Even... after you know that… I know?”

Will I?

“Do you still feel sorry for me?”

“Ah..n-no..It's not like that.”

“Then…” He beams, “...did you miss me? That's why you're following me?”

He smiles again.

He chortles, “I was just joking.” 

Even in that sunglasses, I can see his eyes turning into crescent. Something that I really missed watching.

“You can visit me in the house sometimes. And... don't just stand by the door.”

‘the’. It feels strange to not hear him say ‘our’.

“You're always welcome. My parents are the only ones visiting me here. But they don't come that often these days because of work. Kyungsoo and Jongdae seldom visits too.”

He pauses.

“If you want to visit, you can come here anytime. Even then, we were friends. We can be friends again… if you want.”

I’m sure if I say yes to this, I have no control of my heart anymore.

But there’s that constant thought that bothers me everytime I think about it.

Can I really live like this for my whole life?

 

 

Even if I endure through a day like today  
Each day keeps repeating  
Foolish, yet beautiful things keep repeating  
So I’m standing in a corner, but not by myself anymore  
Thinking maybe tomorrow will be different

Now, I can take a single step

\- I Can Go, 2018


End file.
